When saying “no” feels hard and 5 steps to break through this.

Do you find it hard to say no?

Do you even know what you want to say no to?

Has saying yes become a habit that leaves you feeling drained, rather than wildly adventurous like in 'yes man'?

We're often taught as children that to follow instructions, say please and thank you and be quiet is to be 'good'.

We learn what pleases those around us, and what will cause for a stir. For some people this becomes a mechanism for survival because to go against what others (particularly adults) say could feel dangerous and for others it might leave them feeling unacceptable and therefore not accepted by the tribe. This could be family, school, neighbourhood or other groups.

While we might think that not being accepted isn't a life or death situation, it can sure feel like it. Have you ever felt the stare of everyone when you've done something you're embarrassed about? You might feel like you want to be sucked into the ground, and the thought of facing those people again feels impossible. This is particularly common in adolescence when the acceptance of peers can feel so important. We are however not always immune as adults!

So back to adulthood - if we've spent many years learning and practicing saying yes and agreeing as a way of being accepted, we grow into adults that can find it hard to say no. And saying no can feel like breaking bonds of connection that have been fostered through careful attention to another's needs.

You might think - ok sure I'll just start saying no, and if you can great, go for it! If however this feels a little more than tricky, you're not alone.

Firstly when we are used to saying to 'yes', we might have trouble knowing when we want to say no. Secondly once we discover our no, it can feel hugely uncomfortable to say.

So lets break it down into smaller, more achievable steps:

1.Think about the day ahead - whether that's tomorrow or today. Ask yourself - what do I want to say no to? - you can either speak or write - keep going, asking yourself 'what else?' note- don't filter yourself. It doesn't mean you have to say no to those things! This is simply about discovering.

2. You can either stop there and that is absolutely enough to begin connecting with your 'no' or you can continue, by asking yourself if there's something on that list that you could voice to one person. Just pick one, and if you can, pick someone that feels a little easier to say this to. You might like to pick something that doesn't directly impact that person, for example - 'I don't want to do the washing tomorrow'. It might also be something you want e.g. 'tomorrow I want to have a few hours to read my book'.

3. Again you can stop there or you can continue by imagining yourself telling that person. As you do notice your body, is it hunched over or are you sitting or standing tall. Just notice.

4. If you discover that your body feels 'small' in any way, trying standing tall, try putting your hands on your hips, what ever feels 'powerful' for you. Again imagine saying your 'no', say it out loud to practice if you have a space where you are alone.

5. Lastly - if you feel ready - take this power and tell the person.

Wherever you finished on this journey, be proud of yourself!

The journey of connecting with what you need and expressing those needs can be a lifelong one, however each step and each moment of awareness, sheds another layer of the habit that can feel so ingrained.

Finding your no, is a big part of this journey.

I wish you all the best in finding your no and releasing the need to please.