Why We People-Please (and How to Gently Untangle From It)

✨ Before you read:

Take a moment to arrive in your body. Place a hand on your heart or your belly. Notice your breath. Notice where there’s ease, and where there’s tightness. As you read, I invite you to gently notice — do any of these patterns land in you? You don’t need to judge them, just let your body whisper its knowing.

If you’ve ever found yourself saying “yes” when every part of your body whispered “no,” you’re not alone. So many of us slip into people-pleasing without even realising it. It’s something we learned very young, and it makes sense — because once upon a time, it was essential for our survival.

Let’s explore together some of the reasons we please, and maybe as you read, you’ll notice a few that land in your body with that deep “ah, yes, that’s me” kind of knowing.

 1. To Be Liked and Accepted

As children, we depend on our caregivers for everything — food, warmth, safety, delight. So of course we learn very quickly what makes them smile and move toward us, and what makes them withdraw. We adjust ourselves to keep that connection alive.

This survival pattern grows with us: into school, friendships, workplaces, and adult relationships. We look around for clues about what will make others like us, accept us, and want to stay close.

If you notice this pattern in yourself, take a breath. It’s not wrong. It makes complete sense that your younger self adapted this way. The question now is: am I still trying to be liked and accepted? And can I like and accept myself — even when others don’t?

What would happen if you let yourself drop the pleasing behaviours, just a little? Who would stay, and who would fade away? And what if those who stay are the ones who truly see you?

2. To Avoid Conflict

Conflict can feel terrifying. Maybe it once meant danger, shouting, rejection, or violence. If conflict didn’t feel safe when you were little, it makes sense that you’d avoid it now.

But here’s the thing: when we avoid conflict at all costs, we also avoid boundaries. We avoid being truly known. We miss out on deeper connection.

In healthy relationships, conflict doesn’t have to mean the end. There’s a beautiful process called rupture and repair. A moment of mis-attunement happens, feelings get hurt — and then someone comes back, acknowledges, repairs. The relationship grows stronger.

So notice where you’re avoiding conflict. Could you practice a tiny experiment with someone you feel safe with? Maybe saying, “Actually, I don’t want to do that.” See how they respond. Sometimes the conflict we fear doesn’t even happen — it was only a shadow we were running from.

3. Fear of Getting in Trouble

This one runs deep for many of us. As children, our parents or teachers held authority, and we learned that doing something “wrong” meant being in trouble. For some of us, that fear never left. Even as adults, we can shrink back when someone disapproves, slipping into that small child state.

Here’s a gentle reminder: you are not in trouble. You’re an adult now. Your friends, family, and colleagues are not your parents. Even your boss is simply another human being. Someone not liking what you did doesn’t mean you are wrong, or bad, or unsafe.

I know this one personally — it still bubbles up for me. But with practice, I remind myself: I’m allowed to make mistakes. I’m allowed to disappoint. And I am still safe.

4. To Be Seen as “Good” (Caring, Kind, Generous…)

Maybe you were praised as a child for being the caring one, the listener, the helper. It felt so good to be recognised that you made it part of your identity: I am caring.

But what happens when you need to say no? When you’re exhausted and can’t hold someone else’s story? It can feel like if you stop being endlessly caring, then who even are you?

Here’s the truth: caring doesn’t always look the way we think it should. Sometimes the most caring act is to say, “I love you, and I don’t have the capacity right now.” That honesty can ripple into deeper, truer care — for yourself and for them.

When you choose yourself, your cup refills, and you can actually show up with love instead of resentment.

5. To Avoid Feeling Someone Else’s Emotions

For the empaths among us, this is a big one. If someone near us is sad, angry, anxious — we feel it in our own body. And so we please, trying to shift their feelings so we don’t have to feel so much ourselves.

But here’s a practice: notice that their emotion is not your emotion. Place your hand on your body and name it out loud: “Jason is feeling sad. Jason is feeling sad.” Notice the difference between what belongs to them and what belongs to you.

6. To Feel Safe

At the heart of all these reasons is one core desire: to feel safe. Pleasing others once kept us safe — physically, emotionally, socially. And even now, your body may believe it’s still necessary.

Be gentle with yourself here. These patterns are not weaknesses; they are survival skills that once protected you. The invitation now is to slowly, tenderly test new ways of being. To ask yourself: am I doing this because I’m truly choosing to, or because I feel uncomfortable?

And remember — you don’t need to change everything at once. Just start with one little place where pleasing shows up. Experiment. Notice. And let your inner child see that things are different now.

✨ As you close:

Take a breath into your heart space. Maybe place a hand on your body where it feels most soothing. Ask yourself gently:

• Where does people-pleasing show up for me the most?

• What might it feel like to try a different way — just once, in a small way?

Let whatever arises be enough. No pressure. No rush. Just awareness. That’s the first step.